Growth is a hard subject for me to talk about, even comprehend, sometimes. Namely because I have not grown as much as I would have liked, or experienced growth in the ways which the energy output I have felt I should have expected. The frustration around growth comes from this expectation meeting adversity, trying to understand which direction to go and how hard to try, while being optimistic and realistic at the same time.
The energy growth equation as far as I know is this…
energy you have - energy needed by your ideas - energy of adversity = net energy exchange
The net energy exchange can be thought of less as a singular chunk of energy and more as a sustained musical note drawn from a violin or strummed on a guitar. More of a reverberation of the equation than a static numerical outcome. This note plays to the world and the world plays back it’s own matching note of which we hear. I think this is why some of the happiest people we know are not necessarily the ones with the highest output or most stress. Some of the saddest people we know are not the ones with the worst problems. I also don’t put happiness or sadness as an grade on how people are doing with their lives. There is so much going into the equation we don’t know in real time.
I think that’s why growth has been hard for me. I live a life where energy I have is a lot, ideas I have are a lot, and adversity has also been, a lot. All the while I don’t know so much in real time that would be really helpful. I also don’t have guidance I feel I could really use and have lived a life where people expect guidance from me more than expect I would need some, which is an adversity in itself when you are trying to figure things out and have an urge to pick up the phone with no one to call, so you figure it out yourself, which means the energy needed by ideas or adversity you have goes up.
This can be as simple as driving somewhere for work and having your car break down. Then, your energy is put towards time and money getting your car fixed. Maybe you don’t have cell phone service and have to walk to the nearest town. More energy of adversity. The energy you have won’t immediately change nor will the energy your ideas need, but the net energy will dip.
That’s a simple situation that’s frustrating yet easy to understand. You need to get your car back on the road to make other things happen, or find out another plan.
The reason I struggle with growth, or have, is that some ideas and adversities circulate more than come and go. A common energy suck I have had is a father or mentor I could talk to or get guidance from. I have a father, of course, as all people do. I even knew him my whole childhood and yet guidance, maturity, or help where not things he could offer. I’ve been dating a girl for while and inevitably things come up I could do better, or should have known like which side of the sidewalk to walk on, what to do on a date… little stuff you don’t necessarily pick up on or think of unless someone tells you. I commented one day “Where do people even learn this stuff?” in a joking way. Later on that night she told me people usually learn things like this from their dad. There are a lot of ways I have in the past, am in the moment, and will spend my energy on in the future because of this. This is an example of both energy needed for things I want (dating) and adversities I have had (lack of guidance) which circulates quite a lot, but is something that requires a little bit less energy now than it did when I had less confidence I can learn things on my own.
Another one that has been hard for me is health. I am 36 now, a decade after being diagnosed with cancer which took a few months of surgery and recovery and a five year chapter of partial remission where we weren’t sure I still had cancer or not. Five years of CT scans, bloodwork, chest x-rays, appointments, the occasional ER visit, planning how to balance work around it all, and fighting insurance was quite a lot of energy. This eventually circulated into obsessive worry in my thought patterns and constant real life strains on money and time I needed to give those problems let alone trying to accept and live with the potential of having less time in life.
The problem I have with growth is it isn’t so apparent the energy equation, it is in the equal sign itself. The exchange back and forth is growth which is often a softer note, a quieter companion to energies song. Especially when the adversity becomes so big it’s creating such a loud and deafening note. Even if it’s beautiful, it can be deafening. So much of the time I feel like I’m failing has come from the volume of a world I would like to become quieter.
The good thing about great adversity - chosen or given - is it trains the energy you have to give to be greater and greater. I do not believe in burning out - a conscience choice that borders on denial - but I do believe in exhaustion. I also believe in grit and the ability to dig deeper and deeper into parts unknown to give more and more energy to your life.
So in this way, energy you have can be broken down into its own equation
physical energy + mental energy + grit and determination = energy you have
Physical energy comes from nutrition, fat stores, and pure physiological function. Mental energy comes from the ways your prepare and align your mind to be able to take on tasks. And grit and determination tap into the unknown limits we have. I believe they are the most important part in the equation of energy you have and thus the entire energy growth equation, and ultimately mean they are probably the biggest indicator of growth you will experience. I think they’re also what make energy an endless resource right up until the time you die. Grit may make you more exhausted, more strained, more stressed even, but ultimately all energy can be replaced or simply taken from the world to then give back more again and again. This training is its own cycle that will continue as long as you don’t give up or give in - which is easier said than done.
I was finally cancer free a few months before the pandemic hit and the world went into another tailspin of sorts. Once the pandemic finally eased up, I got another cancer diagnosis that was much easier, but for a couple months had me putting more energy than needed into thinking about cancer again and preparing for what “might be”. The world got loud again and crescendoed into another season of grit and relying on my soul to guide me through.
Now, nearly a year later, the notes have gotten quiet enough to hear growth notes again. I can hear everything and while I believe the whole song of life is beautiful it is not deafening right now.
I can sit back and see I have a good life. My energy has not failed me. My body has stuck it out. Thankfully, my mind has been able to keep up. I do not say it proudly or arrogantly, because it has not always been pretty and there have been battles along the way, but there has been a lot of growth to be thankful for.
I’m excited to be moving in the direction I want to go. I’m excited to have a healthy body, a dog I care about, to be spending good time with family, to be dating someone who is patient, caring, and a lot of fun. I have a children’s book finished and being illustrated to be ready to release sometime in 2024. I am still building vans, just in a different way, and have other creative outlets in wood working which I love sharing with people and help me make an income to make everything else happen. I’m getting to collaborate with other artists and am making strides in photography and film making as well. I don’t know what my life would have been like without all the adversity, perhaps easier, but I do believe I would not have realized as much energy had I not needed it in the past. I would not have know the song of life could be so loud or so varied and would have not have been able to appreciate just how many notes there are to hear, or how to understand the symphonies of lives around me as well.
Here are some aspects of growth in my life, the quiet music from life’s song.
